(I will preface this by saying that as a man, I do not experience or understand all the ins and outs of what it means to be a biblical woman. I am writing this specifically to males, and to be helpful to those who interact with and are the parents of males. I hope it will be helpful in understanding what God, as a loving heavenly father, expects of His sons)
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men.” (John 12:1-4)
In the beginning there was just God. God is one divine being but God is also 3 persons of a complete family. In this family God is our Father, and Jesus is His only natural Son (referred to in John as The Word), and obviously He inherits everything that belongs to His Father. “Long ago, at many times and in many ways, God spoke to our fathers by the prophets, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed the heir of all things, through whom also he created the world. He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high, having become as much superior to angels as the name he has inherited is more excellent than theirs.” (Hebrews 1:1-4)
Adopted Into God’s Family
If we have admitted that God is God and we are not, and put our faith in the person and finished work of Jesus, we are part of the family of God. We are adopted as sons and daughters of God and we gain all the inheritance that is coming to Jesus. We even get to call God daddy (or similar culturally appropriate terms an intimate father-child relationship)
"For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.” (Romans 8:14-17)
It should be noted here that the idea of a family celebrating and suffering together as one is part of the whole deal. We don’t get to be part of God’s family with all of the benefits, glory and riches available to us without the suffering that comes with being in the family, with being aligned with God. Jesus says the same thing when asked about his family: “Then his mother and his brothers came to him, but they could not reach him because of the crowd. And he was told, “Your mother and your brothers are standing outside, desiring to see you.” But he answered them, “My mother and my brothers are those who hear the word of God and do it.” (Luke 8:19-21)
In a sense Jesus is saying that being part of the family means being part of the team, taking the good with the bad, loving the bits of the family that are unlovable and encouraging those aspects that need to be nurtured Jesus loves all of his family and we need to as well (Ephesians 5:25). The bible tells us that Jesus is the same now as He was then (Hebrews 13:8), and so this is still Gods approach an attitude with all those who are part of the family of God.
“Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.” (1 Timothy 5:1-2)
If God is the same, yesterday, today and forever, that means that when he treats females one way, it doesn’t change. We are called to treat older women as we would treat our mothers and younger women as we would treat our sisters. What exactly does that mean? Let’s look at How Jesus treats women.
How To Treat Women: Like Mothers & Sisters
“One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner.” And Jesus answering said to him, “Simon, I have something to say to you.” And he answered, “Say it, Teacher.”
“A certain moneylender had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. When they could not pay, he cancelled the debt of both. Now which of them will love him more?” Simon answered, “The one, I suppose, for whom he cancelled the larger debt.” And he said to him, “You have judged rightly.” Then turning toward the woman he said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” And he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” Then those who were at table with him began to say among themselves, “Who is this, who even forgives sins?” And he said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”
Soon afterward he went on through cities and villages, proclaiming and bringing the good news of the kingdom of God. And the twelve were with him, and also some women who had been healed of evil spirits and infirmities: Mary, called Magdalene, from whom seven demons had gone out, and Joanna, the wife of Chuza, Herod's household manager, and Susanna, and many others, who provided for them out of their means.” (Luke 7:36–8:3)
Notice how Jesus interacted with this woman, clearly one who those others at the feast did not like at all. He loved her like a sister. She was vulnerable and hurting and she trusted Him and he repaid that trust with kindness and generosity, publically forgiving her for what seems like very public sins. Jesus did not use or abuse her affection or her vulnerability towards impropriety (like she must have been accustomed to in her work as a prostitute), caught her off guard and led the way by loving her like a sister. That is part of what the passage in Timothy is talking about. Remember, Jesus was tempted just like us (Hebrews 4:15). Think about that for a second… every single way. Your imagination can take this wherever your sinful heart wants to be or has been. That means that on a hot day working as a carpenter, he had opportunity to take that second look at that girl (or guy) he shouldn’t be looking at in that way. Jesus had ample opportunity in all sorts of circumstances to make use of His role as a teacher to fulfil any number of temptations, but he didn’t. He treated each woman just like a sister. There are going to be vulnerable and hurting women in your life who will trust you and you are to treat them like Jesus treated this woman.
Stop, Just For A Minute
Now, statistically speaking there is a 70% chance of a reader being guilty of this kind of sin (Dr Gomathi Sitharthan - University of Sydney). I want to stop just for a moment to outline as clearly as I can exactly what that means. If you are one of those males who thinks that part of being a man involves sleeping with your girlfriend, viewing pornography, going to strip clubs or using women as products and objects of pleasure, then you are buying into a consumer culture of violence and abuse, of rape and slavery, of disease and oppression. You are bringing suffering and death to people you are responsible to look after. If these women are children of God, you are abusing and defiling your own sister, and worse, you are mistreating God’s daughter. He takes a Very dim view of this; He promises to cut you down (Matthew 18:6).
If you belong to Jesus, you are to bring healing and life, you are not to bring suffering and death. How Jesus kindly and responsibly cares for this women is a glorious example of how we as men are to treat all women, especially those who have the worst reputations and perhaps are the most vulnerable. We have to make sure that the women in our life understand that it is ok to be honest (especially about what Christ has done and is doing in their lives), its ok to be passionate, its ok to weep. I know of one father whose daughter learned not to cry because it would anger him. To this day, she cannot cry when she is hurt, sad or even happy, because it has been ingrained into her that it shows that she is weak. She is only now learning after much encouragement and reinforcement of the safety of God’s family, that it is ok to be honest, to cry and be passionate for the things that God has placed on her heart. This is the kind of freedom we need to be spreading and encouraging.
Know Your Brain and What It Is Doing
So, more practically, what can we do? First, it is important to know a little about the male brain. In her helpful book “For Women Only”, researcher Shaunti Feldhahn provides insight into what is going on in the male brain that is entirely foreign to female brain function. One of the things that all men can relate to is the idea of the “visual rolodex” as most men and 25% of women are primarily visual. The brains of most men take visual snapshots of women he considers beautiful, from young childhood, throughout his adult life. In fact, this function is why most men and some women cannot help but notice a beautiful woman in the room. For the married man, this does not mean that he prefers this woman over his wife, it is simply a mental note.
A couple of things come of this collection of filed images. At any moment, one of these images can pop up in the mind of a man (and those 25% of women who are visual). This image is not necessarily triggered, or desired, but it can appear while a man sits at the lights, or is filling his car with fuel, or something else mundane. This has vividly happened to me a number of times; simply remembering a girl who smiled at me in high-school, or a friend who I helped run a youth group with.
The second thing that is interesting to note is what brain activity occurs in males and visual females when they notice a beautiful woman. The nucleus accumbens immediately lights up. This is the part of the brain, near the centre of the skull, which lights up in every human when he or she is hungry, or thirsty in desperate need (an instinctive gut level response to want to consume). Only after some time do the cortical centres at the front of the brain light up and decisions regarding the image, whether good or bad can be made. Remember, this is even before the man (or visual woman) has process this mentally. In women who are not visual, seeing an attractive man lights up only the cortical centres, the mental processing. Men actually get an initial pleasurable feeling from this simple recall, or from initial viewing of a beautiful woman, which also gives initiative to “consume the image”, not specifically the person. Be very clear… this is not about objectifying women. Objectifying has to do with what you do with the image.
A healthy decision of “Yes” to consuming the image of the beautiful woman would be within a marriage context. The harder decision is to stop looking, to halt the continuing of pleasure in the brain. For some men surveyed, they say it is as difficult as stopping in the middle of sex. God wired the male brain to very visual, and it’s a good thing in the context of marriage. However, as guys, we are surrounded and tempted with images that are bypassing this logical reasoning in a man’s mind, often for marketing purposes. Normal male brains in an abnormal culture leads to big risks. It’s a constant thing, and not only is your mind filing them away, but we are bombarded by images that were only supposed to be seen in the context of a marriage.
Women don’t often understand this because initially this decision making part of the brain is not yet engaged when an image is presented. Only the thinking centres of women are engaged and they “think” about the man being attractive. That is an entirely different kind of problem, which I will not address here.
Two Men Who Chose Yes
Lets look for a moment at two men who were steeped in the law of God and yet because of their conscious decisions, caused all sorts of hurt and trouble. David was king of Isreal, and should have been leading his army out to war, but we find him shirking that responsibility, sending another man, Joab, to lead his army and sleeping in till mid-afternoon. When he gets up, looks out over his balcony, he sees a woman, Bathsheba, bathing (2 Samuel 11:1-2). Here he has a choice. He can suppress what his mind is already doing, the pleasure he is getting and save this kind of visual stimulation for the intimacy between his wife Maacah and himself, or let it run rampant and pursue it. He asks around and one of his advisors, Ahithophel (2 Samuel 15:12), who was Bathsheba’s grandfather, tells the King exactly whose family she is part of and who her husband is. Ahithophel seemed more interested in getting his own family line in favour with the king than protecting his grand-daughter, her marriage and her reputation. We don’t hear much of him until much later.
To cut a long story short, David got the woman brought to him, seduced her and she fell pregnant. His answer to this was not to come clean, but try and make it look like her husband Uriah was responsible for the child through deception. When that failed to work, as Uriah was both loyal to his King and to God, he arranged for the man to be left alone on the battlefield to die. Uriah was killed, the child born to David was stillborn but thankfully David repented of his sin. All the way through this sordid saga, David had a choice when he saw Bathsheba, and his story shows that pursuing the thought often leads to much more far reaching consequences than simply those which affect just you.
Many other destructive things happened to David’s family and household as a result. David is overthrown by Absolem his son who clearly no longer respects him (2 Samuel 15:1-37). Amnon, another son exemplifies the cycle of abuse that is passed on from father to son as he proceeds to rape his own sister Tamar (2 Samuel 13:1-39). Ahithophel, David’s closest advisor, grew bitter towards the household as the King stopped listening to his advice, deserted David, and ended up killing himself. His plan to get his family in the royal line had not ended well. After this, all of David’s subsequent wives left him for others as God had told him (2 Samuel 12:11). All of the destruction happened because both David and Ahithophel made the choice to continue, to think of themselves in that moment rather than protecting Bathsheba and treating her as a sister or in fact a daughter in Ahithophel’s case.
Temptation & Sin Are Different
Remember that Jesus Christ was "tempted in every way as we are, yet without sin”. How did He obey his father? How did He resist every sinful temptation? Every thought was captive. “Take every thought captive in order to obey Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).That means that we need to know the difference between noticing and lusting. We have to actively reject temptation by making a point of not looking again, making a point of not entertaining thoughts of her in ways that she should not be imagined, not feeding our minds by actively egging them on. To do this you are basically pursuing her in your mind. Jesus draws no distinction between actions carried out in the mind, and actions carried out in the flesh.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28)
In fact, given what we already know about the initial response of the male brain to an image of a beautiful woman, it is important not to find ourselves in situation that will lead to temptation. A well-known preacher was flying to another state to speak at a church, having previously arranged to be met at the airport by the pastor with whom he would be staying. When he arrived at his destination, he was met by a cheerful looking young lady who introduced herself as the pastors wife. She explained that her husband had gotten tickets to a baseball game last minute, was a big fan of the team and sent his apology’s. The woman reached out to take his bags, and he politely said, “Thankyou, but I will take a cab”.. The pastors wife insisted, but he was polite and waved down a taxi. Later that night, after a family dinner, the local pastor took the visiting man aside and asked frankly “Do you have a problem with lust?”. “No!” replied the visitor “but I know that I am a sinner and I am capable of anything”.
Fully understanding that when the bible says that our hearts are deceitful above all other traits, and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9) informs you of the gravity of the situation you place yourself in. The puritan writer John Owen even wrote a book entitled Of the Mortification of Sin to not only highlight the importance of this understanding but how to put to death, with the help of Christ, those parts of ourselves that lead us to sin.
“For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.” (Romans 8:13)
“Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.” (Colossians 3:5)
Purity Starts With Jesus
Today we are surrounded by what is basically a pornographic culture. We need to recognise those things that we are now desensitised to, that are often designed to bypass our initial decision making. We need to look to Christ to cleanse our minds and set them apart from those who do not have the empowering of the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 5:26) so that we are aware of the subtle daily things that lead our minds down the trail of sin, as men. If we can look around at the world and not be bothered by a woman displaying herself in a pornographic way (even subtly), we not only lack a correct view of the dignity and value our sisters in Christ, we are holding onto the deep seated idolatry that it is acceptable to use another human being to gratify ourselves sexually (Galatians 5:16).
What we don’t need is a new set of rules and how to live by them. We need to confess our sin to Jesus (1 John 1:9). He promises not only to forgive us of theses sins, but cleanse our minds and uproot our predisposition to this idolatry so that we can accept one another as being made in the image and likeness of God (Genesis 1:27) and keep one another from this mindset that to treat females as sisters is somehow wrong. In all our dealings with women, we are to treat them as sisters, in all purity.
“But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.” (Hebrews 3:13)